I want to FLY!

This post is from yesterday but I was feeling unsure about putting it up here, partly because of the length and partly because I am such a "private person" it is hard to reveal so much of my weaknesses. But, here it is... maybe it will minister to someone!

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I shouldn't have expected it today, but I was.... I hoped one of the people Mark's been in touch with about jobs would call. But, the phone never rang. I know it is Monday... the week has barely begun... but I was still hoping.

After hours and hours of nothing, I decided I just couldn't put off going to Wal Mart any longer. I had a gift card I'd been nursing little by little. Since we were out of so many things, I knew I'd use up the card balance today. I was feeling anxiety about using the last of that gift card which was compounded by the anxiety of Mark still being jobless.... so on my way to the store, I prayed. I told God my frustrations and fears. I told Him I was needing His reassurance again. I am ashamed to ask again and I feel a lot like an Israelite. During the Exodus they would SEE God's glory and SEE his miracles and provision on a daily basis... I used to get so frustrated reading about that.... I couldn't understand how they would witness the pillar of cloud and fire guiding them every day, survive on the provision of God's manna every day, drink the miraculous water from rocks.... but then, not trust Him, not obey Him, and GRUMBLE!

But, here I am acting like an Israelite. I've seen Him bring us food out of nothing. I've seen Him multiply our "loaves and fishes". I've seen Him provide things at the precise moment we needed them. I've seen Him provide "Christmas" for our kids. I've witnessed His hand move in our lives over and over. But, I'm still asking for reassurance and telling Him that it SEEMS like He is late! It sounds a lot like the Israelite's grumbling.

Oh, my human-ness!

As I drove, my prayers went through a cycle of tantrums and questioning, but in the end, He worked in my heart and I again laid down my will and told Him I would trust Him. And, He renewed my strength and comforted me.

When I arrived home, the mail had come. In God's impeccable timing, another Wal Mart gift card was waiting for me to replace the one I had just exhausted. The phone still hadn't rung, but it was okay. And even though I had been behaving like an Israelite, God chose to reassure me of His provision with that card. Another example of undeserved grace.

A short time later I was scrubbing my sink with Comet and was commenting to Mark how thankful I was for the Comet! Maybe we didn't see a job materialize today, but we did get some Comet and other things we needed... and just like salvation, I didn't deserve it one bit, nor did I do anything to earn it. It was a gift.

Today I just needed to lay all my worries at God's feet again, then walk away, leave it there, and TRUST. But, even better yet, I needed to be thankful, completely and totally thankful, and not demand anything more or anything different. But, just be content because of Him, and say thank you for what He has chosen to give us each day.

Once again, I needed a refresher on the lesson... and He shows His grace.

I don't want to be an Israelite anymore! I want to FLY!

"...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31"